[ENTER FOOL and BUXOM BETTY,
who sweeps the space while he speaks]
So room, brave gallants all
Pray give us room to rhyme
Weve come to show activity this merry Christmas time
Activity of youth, activity of age.
Such activity as was never seen before on stage
Though some of us be little
And some of a cross-dressing sort [He looks at Betty, who is in drag]
We all desire your favor
To see our pleasant sport!
Pray, pray, give me a rhyme to broom,
I come to show activity upon this living room!
Old Year must pass; New Year must stay,
And if you dont believe what I say,
Step in FATHER CHRISTMAS and clear the FUCKING way.
ENTER FATHER CHRISTMAS
In comes I, Bold FATHER CHRISTMAS; welcome or welcome not, I hope old
FATHER CHRISTMAS will never be forgot.
Christmas comes but once a year
but when it comes it brings good
Roast beef, plum pudding, strong ale, and mince pie
Who has higher cholesterol than I?
I do, but thats not important now. Its time to call in St.
the bravest knight of all!
Excuse me, pardon me, but is this the fucking play where fucking ST.
comes and dies by fucking swords that circle round his neck?
The fucking subtext being, as winter dies, so shall he die, and
rise again like spring?
FOOL [to audience]
Well, there goes the plot of this one. You cant see a movie with
BUXOM BETTY (mumbling)
Same shit different year....
ENTER ST. GEORGE
Here come I, ST. GEORGE; from Britain have I sprung. Yet Ive been
to every land and mastered every tongue.
Ive been to Turkey; Ive been to Spain
through the desert from a Grove with no name
verily, it feels good to be out of the rain!
Ive come to fight the DRAGON bold, for my wonders have begun:
Ill clip his wings, he shall not fly;
Ill cut him down, or else Ill die.
ENTER THE DRAGON
Whos that who seeks the Dragons blood, so angry and so loud?
With my long teeth and scurvy jaw
Ill eat that English dog who holds the floor!
I eat armor, belt and buckler, too
be he a Turk, a Christian
and when hes in seasona Jew!
Stay, you noisy DRAGON, boast more!
For soon Ill have you DRAGON your ass on the floor!
DRAGON [Mohammed Ali voice]
Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee
Yon Saint GEORGE will fall in three!
(St. GEORGE and the DRAGON fight; the DRAGON is killed.)
ENTER SAUCY JACK AND THE GREENS
In comes I, SAUCY JACK, with my dyslexic brothers at my back.
Forest Greene [steps forward]
Slime Greene [steps forward]
And Snot Greene [steps forward]
ALL: No ones pleased that natures dead
to take your head!
First comes Yuletide,
Then comes Spring
Like winter I must die
Then to life again like Spring
Dance men, the sword dance for me!
[With St. GEORGE in the middle, they begin to circle around his neck
with the swords. Because they are dyslexic, they start off clumsily
and in a counterclockwise direction, and Jack becomes very annoyed]
The other way you idiots, the other way!
[They slay St. George and he falls to the ground]
Is there a noble Doctor to be found,
To raise the dead, to heal the wound,
And to raise this bold knight up from the ground?
ENTER THE DOCTOR
I come in, a Doctor, but alas, I am but a humble podiatrist and cannot
revive him unless of course he hath an ingrown toenail!
FOOL Then all stand aside
Ill raise him up and then well
have a dance!
What is thy fee, Fool?
I usually get 2 pounds for a national hero. Of course, I could do him
and the dragon for a flat rate. Revive one, get one free, you might
Well, all right, just so long as this isnt one of those bait
and switch deals.
FOOL Okey Dokey
[He whacks St. GEORGE with mistletoe and he presently wakes]
Good morning. Ladies and Gentlemen.
A-sleeping I have been.
I have had such a sleep,
As the like was never seen.
But now I am awake!
And alive unto this day,
So now well have a dance,
And the Fool must seek his pay!
[All dance the conga as the Fool is paid his fee]
Room, Room I say- that I may lead Mince Pie this way.
Walk in Mince Pie and take thy fucking thrust,
And show the gentlefolk thy gallant crust.
ENTER MINCE PIE
Room, room you gallant Earls,
Give me room to rhyme,
And I will show you some festivity,
This Merry Christmas time.
Bring me the man who bids me stand,
Who says hell slice me with audacious hand.
Ill cut him, and dice him as small as a fly,
And send him to the kitchen to make a Mince Pie.
Thou insolent Pie
prepare to die!
(St. GEORGE and Mince pie fight and the latter receives his
(St. GEORGE pointing at him continues:)
Oh Father, oh Father, you see what I have done,
Ive cut this noble baked good down,
like the evening sun,
And for a doctor, you must seek for this cleaved pie,
That lies bleeding on the ground.
Zounds, hes already lost a lot of filling.
Pray, use thy healing art, oh Noble Clown,
To raise the dead, to heal the wound,
To raise this young pie up from the ground!
Raise him? Are you insane? Im starving!
[They leave the stage, dragging the pie off with them except for
BETTY, who addresses the audience]
Our play is done
We must be gone
We stay no longer here
We wish you all,
Both big and small,
A fucking great New Year!
[PLAYERS AND AUDIENCE SING DECK THE HALLS]
POETRY & STORIES