AMERICAN IDOL:
A WINTERS MASQUE IN 2 ACTS & BOTH AWFUL.

Or, the battle between the Summer & Winter Kings, a Play in verse
( and it gets verse every minute)

DRAMATIS PERSONAE:
AN DAGDA (Artist's Manager God) Played by Jason
TV HOST Played by Marcia
BODY ON FLOOR Played by Bob
STUDIO AUDIENCE Played by Grove of the Other Gods
MORRIS TURTLETAUB Played by Maria
HOLLY KING Played by Ed (understudy)
OAK KING Played by Chuck
YEAR QUEEN Played by Jenniforensic
SUN Played by Peggy
WIND Played by Blue (The Wind is Blue)

ACT 1. SCENE 1. THE DAGDAS OFFICE.
HOST: It’s a busy day in the Dagdas office, he’s skipped lunch and he’s in no mood for levity. When we meet him, he’s about to ream out the 2 Kings of the year.
DAGDA: HOLLY, OAK! I want to have a word with you both.
HOLLY: Yes Sir.
OAK: Yes Sir.
DAGDA: Now, heed me well. It’s about your routines for the American Idol competition.
DAGDA: HOLLY, I’ve had the EXECUTIVE director of the King of Tara
3 WORLDS COMEDY TOUR visit me this morning and he’s very unhappy with your act. Very unhappy. In fact, he’s impaled himself.
HOLLY: Very badly?
DAGDA: No, he did it quite well... Well, before he left he sent a note with his secretary (uncovers secretary who is dead on the floor) to the effect of how disappointed he was with your material.
HOLLY: Well, people do know my name, sir.
DAGDA: Yes, Holly. They certainly do know your name. The audience BURNED THE theatre and the entire village down.
HOLLY: You’re not going to replace me Sir?
DAGDA: Two people dead & dozens injured & a village sacked, revenue lost, and our credibility completely obliterated. WHAT - WHAT CAN YOU SAY? WHAT EXCUSE CAN YOU POSSIBLY MAKE?
HOLLY: I’ll try to do better next time sir.DAGDA: ((turns and looks venomously at OAK)) And you! You’re an oak tree! Behave like one! Mead & women & Scandal sheets... can’t you keep your nuts to yourself?
DAGDA: The American Idol COMPETITION is tonight and you’re BOTH going to give it every ounce of effort youve got!
HOLLY: Yes Sir.
OAK: Yes Sir.
DAGDA: Now get out there and deliver or I’ll bust you down to taking tickets at the public Nemeton.
EXIT OAK and HOLLY.
DAGDA: ((pulls TUMS bottle out))
Two of the worst candidates we’ve ever elected to turn the wheel of the year. Well, it’s showtime! Better get it over with.
END OF ACT 1/ SCENE I

ACT 2. SCENE 1. ((The American Idol set: Norma and Eds living room.))
HOST OF AMERICAN IDOL: Good evening and welcome, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. Tonight is indeed a thrilling occasion in the history of American Idol. We have as our contestants the Oak King and the Holly King, who will vie this evening for possession of the next half of the year. Who will have the last laugh! Tonight that is up to our studio audience!
ENTER MORRIS TURTLETAUB ((huffing and puffing and carrying a large shopping bag. He’s loud and obnoxious and is trying to get a seat. In doing so he’s stepping on some of the audience. This is pure improv!))
MORRIS ((Yiddish accent suggested)): IS THIS THE JAVITS CENTER? THIS IS MAYBE THE MEMBERS ONLY SHOW? WHATS WITH THE OUTFIT? I thought we ONLY sold short jackets. THIS ISNT MY SUMMER LINE. WHERES MY SON IN LAW? UGH. MY FEET ARE KILLING ME. OY, THIS LOOKS LIKE A GOOD SHOW. CAN I GET A PLACE TO SIT, MAYBE? COULD YOU MOVE OVER? EXCUSE ME FOR LIVING! UGH.
SO, I’M SETTLED AND COMFORTABLE. WHATS HAPPENING?
HOST: ((Clears throat)) If this gentleman is comfortable we can get started.
And now, let’s give a warm welcome to our first contestant, The Oak King!

ENTER OAK KING DRAGGING YEAR QUEEN
OAK KING:((in a rapping tone))
Enter I the Winter King
Snow and ice is my thing,
Enter I the Winter Oak,
I’ll sing and dance and tell a joke.
I’ve come on stage to winter rap,
Cause I’m not ready for my nap
All-powerful here do I endeavor
To hold the stage for winter for ever
Though summer may be very clever
He’ll not catch me never ever
And though the year is very old,
He’ll shake and shiver in my cold.
See what I did catch right here
This fine lady is Queen of the Year!

YEAR QUEEN:
Oh Winter Oak, you’ve got some nerve
Another term you don’t deserve
And even though you got the gut
My boyfriend he will whip your butt!
He will beat you black and blue
And take that stupid crown from you.

OAK KING:
A feisty wench, I like your sass,
And I will beat the summers ass!
My SCHTICK and I will never fail
And winter’s COLD it will prevail.
YEAR QUEEN yanks hand away from him and storms off
EXIT YEAR QUEEN.
EXIT OAK KING.

HOST:
And a rousing round of applause for our second contestant, The Holly King!
ENTER THE SUMMER HOLLY KING.
SUMMER HOLLY KING:
Enter I the Summer King
A King with little joy to bring.
The strength I need to defeat
Winter with his grip complete
Is not enough to bring down the Oak.
Unless I got a gut-busting joke!
His winter jokes I know can melt
With stuff THAT Killed ’em in the Borscht Belt!
Ah, but is my THALIAN recital
Good enough to win me the KINGLY title?

ENTER THE SUN AND WIND.
SUN: Hi. I’m the sun.
Though at this time of year my power’s weak
You may think you’re up the creek,
Relax my man, you won’t be beat.
I’ll be here to turn up the heat!
WIND: I’ll turn into a summer breeze
And bring the big guy to his knees.
I will hold you HIGH aloft
FOR as it’s writ in Seals and Croft
Who hath made the immortal rhyme
“Summer breeze makes me feel fine
Blowing through the jasmine in my mind.” HOLLY: ((COUGHS))
Right.
I thank you each one
Wind and Sun
But take heed and leave,
The jestings begun!
EXIT SUN AND WIND.

ENTER OAK KING.
HOLLY:
By what right do you hold
All our yuks in ice and cold?
OAK:
Chill, Mr. Holly! Never shall I ease my grip
No icicle will ever drip
Soon you will be disarmed
Cause you’ll know your act has bombed!!!
HOLLY:
Not so fast, DECIDUASS,
Why in such a rush?
I’m here to cut you down to size and turn your jokes to slush.
I will joke you hand-to-hand
before these folks in TV land...
So to win the Year Queens favor
A quick victory will I savor!

OAK:
Your challenge, chump, I do accept
At such a chance I've always leapt
To pick up my magic oak stick
And destroy you PRICKMAN with my SCHTICK!
((Each king takes up his sword and a ritual joke battle ensues.
Each improves and depending on the audience reaction to the joke, either gets stronger or falls down))
((At Oak’s last joke Holly is reeling))

***INSERT ONE-LINERS HERE***

OAK:
(Sings - To the tune of Piano Man)
Sing you a song I’m the Winter King,
I’ll sing you a song tonight,
cause I’m quick with a joke or to go up in smoke
and I’ll have you feeling alright.
((OAK KNOCKS HOLLY DOWN))

ENTER YEAR QUEEN.
YEAR QUEEN: RUH-RO! Summer is down.
Looks like I’m gonna have to leave town!
HOLLY:
His winter jokes were so meant to grate
Now I fear it is too late
I fear that I won't be intact
But rather crumble like my act.
ENTER SUN AND WIND
SUN: Not so soon my friend.
I’ll send you some heat and put you back on your feet. ((Flicks a BIC))
YEAR QUEEN: I’ll use my Richard Simmons salad spray
To refresh you here this day
WIND:And I’ll blow hot air on you. ((He has a hair dryer?))
((THE HOLLY KING STAGGERS TO HIS FEET, BUT IS VERY WEAK.))
HOLLY KING: One more joke -
A man is in a station, looking to buy a bus ticket to Pennsylvania. He walks up to the ticket booth.
Behind the glass is a very well endowed young lady. She asks, ”Can I help you?”
He answers, “Yes. Give me two pickets to Titsburg.”
((OAK FALLS DOWN AT HOLLY’s JOKE. THEN HOLLY STAGGERS AND ALSO FALLS DOWN))

YEAR QUEEN ((to audience)):
Audience-- do not them kill,
To choose the winner should be your will.
It is enough that one be bested
For telling jokes that are not time-tested.
Choose NOW who will win me back again!

HOST: What an exciting contest! With both men down and no clear winner, it’s time for the audience to vote for the man who would be King!

((HOST LEADS AUDIENCE IN APPLAUSE VOTING))

HOST: And the winner is...
((HOST ANNOUNCES WINNER, PLACES CROWN ON HIS HEAD))

HOST: As is customary, the winner gets to beat the loser black and blue, toss him merrily off the stage,
and drive him OFF WITH STAVES into the night.
((APPLAUSE SIGN, TRY TO STIR UP CROWD))
MORRIS:
Come on KING, beat him hard,
Kick him out into the yard!
Kick him hard and make him dance
KICK HIM AND PULL OFF HIS PANTS!

((ENTER DAGDA, who hurries into the fray to stop it before it escalates))
DAGDA: NO & NO - Let there be no shedding of blood.
Let there be no taking of pants.
FRIENDS DO YOU NOT SEE?
GLOBAL WARMING IS SCREWING UP THE WORLD ROYALLY.
Spring be winter, and winter be spring,
AND Nobody understands a bloody thing.
So shake hands and BE BROTHERS,
for each one is now the other!

WINNING King:
I will take your council good
As ever that I should.
((TURNS TO LOSING KING))
Lets shake hands and soon arrange,
to deal with the problem of climate change.
((THEY SHAKE HANDS.))
LOSING King:
Agreed good sir, we must fix it somehow.
For it’s sixty degrees out right now.
And that just ain’t right...
DAGDA: NOW, Come away, friends, and come away lass,
For we must FOLLOW THE GREENHOUSE GAS.

((APPLAUSE))
((BUT DON’T EXIT))

HOST:
Our SHOW is done
We must be gone
We stay no longer here &
We wish you all,
Both big and small,
A fucking great New JEER!

THANKS FOLKS, AND JOIN US NEXT YEAR FOR AMERICAN IDOL!
((All sing Jingle Bells))
THE END.