[ENTER FOOL and BUXOM BETTY,
who sweeps the space while he speaks]
FOOL
So room, brave gallants all
Pray give us room to rhyme
Weve come to show activity this merry Christmas time
Activity of youth, activity of age.
Such activity as was never seen before on stage
Though some of us be little
And some of a cross-dressing sort [He looks at Betty, who is in drag]
We all desire your favor
To see our pleasant sport!
BUXOM BETTY
Pray, pray, give me a rhyme to broom,
I come to show activity upon this living room!
Old Year must pass; New Year must stay,
And if you dont believe what I say,
Step in FATHER CHRISTMAS and clear the FUCKING way.
ENTER FATHER CHRISTMAS
FATHER CHRISTMAS
In comes I, Bold FATHER CHRISTMAS; welcome or welcome not, I hope old
FATHER CHRISTMAS will never be forgot.
Christmas comes but once a year
but when it comes it brings good
cheer!
Roast beef, plum pudding, strong ale, and mince pie
Who has higher cholesterol than I?
FOOL
I do, but thats not important now. Its time to call in St.
GEORGE
the bravest knight of all!
BUXOM BETTY
Excuse me, pardon me, but is this the fucking play where fucking ST.
GEORGE
comes and dies by fucking swords that circle round his neck?
The fucking subtext being, as winter dies, so shall he die, and
rise again like spring?
FOOL [to audience]
Well, there goes the plot of this one. You cant see a movie with
her, either.
BUXOM BETTY (mumbling)
Same shit different year....
ENTER ST. GEORGE
ST. GEORGE
Here come I, ST. GEORGE; from Britain have I sprung. Yet Ive been
to every land and mastered every tongue.
Ive been to Turkey; Ive been to Spain
Ive been
through the desert from a Grove with no name
verily, it feels good to be out of the rain!
Ive come to fight the DRAGON bold, for my wonders have begun:
Ill clip his wings, he shall not fly;
Ill cut him down, or else Ill die.
ENTER THE DRAGON
DRAGON
Whos that who seeks the Dragons blood, so angry and so loud?
With my long teeth and scurvy jaw
Ill eat that English dog who holds the floor!
I eat armor, belt and buckler, too
be he a Turk, a Christian
and when hes in seasona Jew!
ST.GEORGE
Stay, you noisy DRAGON, boast more!
For soon Ill have you DRAGON your ass on the floor!
DRAGON [Mohammed Ali voice]
Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee
Yon Saint GEORGE will fall in three!
(St. GEORGE and the DRAGON fight; the DRAGON is killed.)
ENTER SAUCY JACK AND THE GREENS
SAUCY JACK
In comes I, SAUCY JACK, with my dyslexic brothers at my back.
Forest Greene [steps forward]
Slime Greene [steps forward]
And Snot Greene [steps forward]
ALL: No ones pleased that natures dead
so we
ve come
to take your head!
ST. GEORGE
First comes Yuletide,
Then comes Spring
Like winter I must die
Then to life again like Spring
Dance men, the sword dance for me!
[With St. GEORGE in the middle, they begin to circle around his neck
with the swords. Because they are dyslexic, they start off clumsily
and in a counterclockwise direction, and Jack becomes very annoyed]
JACK
The other way you idiots, the other way!
[They slay St. George and he falls to the ground]
FATHER CHRISTMAS
Is there a noble Doctor to be found,
To raise the dead, to heal the wound,
And to raise this bold knight up from the ground?
ENTER THE DOCTOR
The DOCTOR
I come in, a Doctor, but alas, I am but a humble podiatrist and cannot
revive him unless of course he hath an ingrown toenail!
FOOL Then all stand aside
Ill raise him up and then well
have a dance!
FATHER CHRISTMAS
What is thy fee, Fool?
FOOL
I usually get 2 pounds for a national hero. Of course, I could do him
and the dragon for a flat rate. Revive one, get one free, you might
say.
FATHER CHRISTMAS
Well, all right, just so long as this isnt one of those bait
and switch deals.
FOOL Okey Dokey
[He whacks St. GEORGE with mistletoe and he presently wakes]
St. GEORGE
Good morning. Ladies and Gentlemen.
A-sleeping I have been.
I have had such a sleep,
As the like was never seen.
But now I am awake!
And alive unto this day,
So now well have a dance,
And the Fool must seek his pay!
[All dance the conga as the Fool is paid his fee]
BUXOM BETTY:
Room, Room I say- that I may lead Mince Pie this way.
Walk in Mince Pie and take thy fucking thrust,
And show the gentlefolk thy gallant crust.
ENTER MINCE PIE
MINCE PIE
Room, room you gallant Earls,
Give me room to rhyme,
And I will show you some festivity,
This Merry Christmas time.
Bring me the man who bids me stand,
Who says hell slice me with audacious hand.
Ill cut him, and dice him as small as a fly,
And send him to the kitchen to make a Mince Pie.
St. GEORGE
Thou insolent Pie
prepare to die!
(St. GEORGE and Mince pie fight and the latter receives his
death blow.)
(St. GEORGE pointing at him continues:)
St. GEORGE
Oh Father, oh Father, you see what I have done,
Ive cut this noble baked good down,
like the evening sun,
And for a doctor, you must seek for this cleaved pie,
That lies bleeding on the ground.
Zounds, hes already lost a lot of filling.
FATHER CHRISTMAS
Pray, use thy healing art, oh Noble Clown,
To raise the dead, to heal the wound,
To raise this young pie up from the ground!
FOOL
Raise him? Are you insane? Im starving!
ALL
Lets eat!
[They leave the stage, dragging the pie off with them except for
BETTY, who addresses the audience]
BUXOM BETTY
Our play is done
We must be gone
We stay no longer here
We wish you all,
Both big and small,
A fucking great New Year!
[PLAYERS AND AUDIENCE SING DECK THE HALLS]
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