By Marcia Blaustein
(Starring the Grove formerly known as Green Man)
Dramatis Personae:
FOOL Norma
BUXOM BETTY Ed
FATHER X-MAS Xuk
ST. GEORGE Erica
THE DRAGON Deb
THE MINCE PIE Justin
THE DOCTOR Marcia
JACK GREEN Pattie
AND HIS SWORDSMAN BROTHERS:
SLIME GREEN Nej
FOREST GREEN Maria Elena
SNOT GREEN Meryl
[ENTER FOOL and BUXOM BETTY,
who sweeps the space while he speaks]
FOOL
So room, brave gallants all
Pray give us room to rhyme
We’ve come to show activity this merry Christmas time
Activity of youth, activity of age.
Such activity as was never seen before on stage
Though some of us be little
And some of a cross-dressing sort [He looks at Betty, who is in drag]
We all desire your favor
To see our pleasant sport!
BUXOM BETTY
Pray, pray, give me a rhyme to broom,
I come to show activity upon this living room!
Old Year must pass; New Year must stay,
And if you don’t believe what I say,
Step in FATHER CHRISTMAS and clear the FUCKING way.
ENTER FATHER CHRISTMAS
FATHER CHRISTMAS
In comes I, Bold FATHER CHRISTMAS; welcome or welcome not, I hope old
FATHER CHRISTMAS will never be forgot.
Christmas comes but once a year…but when it comes it brings good cheer!
Roast beef, plum pudding, strong ale, and mince pie…
Who has higher cholesterol than I?
FOOL
I do, but that’s not important now. It’s time to call in St. GEORGE…the bravest knight of all!
BUXOM BETTY
Excuse me, pardon me, but is this the fucking play where fucking ST. GEORGE
comes and dies by fucking swords that circle round his neck?
The fucking subtext being, ‘as winter dies, so shall he die, and rise again like spring?’
FOOL [to audience]
Well, there goes the plot of this one. You can’t see a movie with her, either.
BUXOM BETTY (mumbling)
Same shit different year....
ENTER ST. GEORGE
ST. GEORGE
Here come I, ST. GEORGE; from Britain have I sprung. Yet I’ve been to every land and mastered every tongue.
I’ve been to Turkey; I’ve been to Spain… I’ve been through the desert from a Grove with no name…
verily, it feels good to be out of the rain!
I’ve come to fight the DRAGON bold, for my wonders have begun:
I’ll clip his wings, he shall not fly;
I’ll cut him down, or else I’ll die.
ENTER THE DRAGON
DRAGON
Who’s that who seeks the Dragon’s blood, so angry and so loud? With my long teeth and scurvy jaw
I’ll eat that English dog who holds the floor!
I eat armor, belt and buckler, too…
be he a Turk, a Christian—
and when he’s in season—a Jew!
ST.GEORGE
Stay, you noisy DRAGON, boast more!
For soon I’ll have you DRAGON your ass on the floor!
DRAGON [Mohammed Ali voice]
Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee
Yon Saint GEORGE will fall in three!
(St. GEORGE and the DRAGON fight; the DRAGON is killed.)
ENTER SAUCY JACK AND THE GREENS
SAUCY JACK
In comes I, SAUCY JACK, with my dyslexic brothers at my back.
…Forest Greene [steps forward]
…Slime Greene [steps forward]
…And Snot Greene [steps forward]
ALL: No one’s pleased that nature’s dead… so we’ ve come
to take your head!
ST. GEORGE
First comes Yuletide,
Then comes Spring
Like winter I must die
Then to life again like Spring–
Dance men, the sword dance for me!
[With St. GEORGE in the middle, they begin to circle around his neck with the swords. Because they are dyslexic, they start off clumsily and in a counterclockwise direction, and Jack becomes very annoyed]
JACK
The other way you idiots, the other way!
[They slay St. George and he falls to the ground]
FATHER CHRISTMAS
Is there a noble Doctor to be found,
To raise the dead, to heal the wound,
And to raise this bold knight up from the ground?
ENTER THE DOCTOR
The DOCTOR
I come in, a Doctor, but alas, I am but a humble podiatrist and cannot revive him– unless of course he hath an ingrown toenail!
FOOL Then all stand aside…I’ll raise him up and then we’ll
have a dance!
FATHER CHRISTMAS
What is thy fee, Fool?
FOOL
I usually get 2 pounds for a national hero. Of course, I could do him and the dragon for a flat rate. Revive one, get one free, you might say.
FATHER CHRISTMAS
Well, all right, just so long as this isn’t one of those ‘bait and switch’ deals.
FOOL Okey Dokey…
[He whacks St. GEORGE with mistletoe and he presently wakes]
St. GEORGE
Good morning. Ladies and Gentlemen.
A-sleeping I have been.
I have had such a sleep,
As the like was never seen.
But now I am awake!
And alive unto this day,
So now we’ll have a dance,
And the Fool must seek his pay!
[All dance the conga as the Fool is paid his fee]
BUXOM BETTY:
Room, Room I say- that I may lead Mince Pie this way.
Walk in Mince Pie and take thy fucking thrust,
And show the gentlefolk thy gallant crust.
ENTER MINCE PIE
MINCE PIE
Room, room you gallant Earls,
Give me room to rhyme,
And I will show you some festivity,
This Merry Christmas time.
Bring me the man who bids me stand,
Who says he’ll slice me with audacious hand.
I’ll cut him, and dice him as small as a fly,
And send him to the kitchen to make a Mince Pie.
St. GEORGE
Thou insolent Pie…prepare to die!
(St. GEORGE and Mince pie fight and the latter receives his
death blow.)
(St. GEORGE pointing at him continues:)
St. GEORGE
Oh Father, oh Father, you see what I have done,
I’ve cut this noble baked good down,
like the evening sun,
And for a doctor, you must seek for this cleaved pie,
That lies bleeding on the ground.
’Zounds, he’s already lost a lot of filling.
FATHER CHRISTMAS
Pray, use thy healing art, oh Noble Clown,
To raise the dead, to heal the wound,
To raise this young pie up from the ground!
FOOL
Raise him? Are you insane? I’m starving!
ALL
Let’s eat!
[They leave the stage, dragging the pie off with them– except for BETTY, who addresses the audience]
BUXOM BETTY
Our play is done
We must be gone
We stay no longer here…
We wish you all,
Both big and small,
A fucking great New Year!
[PLAYERS AND AUDIENCE SING DECK THE HALLS]
